Tara and I had blocked noses last night. Too much crying I think. :-(
With morning also comes the dawning of realization. Tara's behaviour is always affected by her feeling unwell. Why do I forget that all the time? She is quite even tempered usually but if some little bug has invaded her system, her behaviour alters. Irritability, disobedience and belligerence are almost always followed by illness. This behaviour brings out "the shouts" in me, when I should be more in control and aware that my little one is not feeling well, hence the change in behaviour.
I also had a crazy start to the time of the month. This morning I also realized with a shock that today is the day we lost my new born nephew only two days after he was born a few years ago. Isn't it strange how certain events stay with us the rest of our lives. Isn't it strange how these life changing events affect our behaviour subconsciously much later in time?
As the memories of the battle to save the newborn came rushing back, further memories rushed in about how he gave up the fight after two days and left my family broken and still reeling. Floods of tears came suddenly and I shot off an email of love and hugs to my brother and his wife. We don't talk about it any more, each suffering in their own way. But every year I send a text of love as my message of solidarity and comfort.
None of this is an excuse for my shouting at Tara. But realization, compassion to self, acceptance and understanding is the beginning of any planned change.
Today there is no routine, no plan to my day. Just contemplation and anything that restores calm and comfort to my bruised heart. Mums need to look after themselves so they can look after their children.