Monday, 15 December 2014

Bad start

It's school holidays, and we've had a bad start.

Day one started early with Tara having acute ear pain, nausea and hearing loss. We couldn't find a doctor, so rushed off to the Emergency department at the hospital. I know...,apologies for using the over stretched Emergency department, but it was the early hours of the morning and they were not attending to anyone.

Tara got seen to, and armed with a prescription we came home to a dull day full of hot water bottles,  Calpol, Neurofen and lots of miserable hugs and cuddles.

Actually I prefer it this way. I'd rather have Tara at home where I can at least look after her rather than worry about school and how she's feeling there. It is however a shame if her holiday is ruined with this ill timed illness. I am tired... :-(

The Husband has been wandering around with a  sulk over the last two days. I have explained that Tara gets cranky and difficult when she's ill. The difference between a normal Tara and an ill Tara is very obvious. But it seems I have two children in the house, not one. :-(

Onwards and upwards !!

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Cautious scepticism

This morning :

Tara: Mummy, have I lost almost all my baby teeth?

Me : I think so...I've lost track but many have fallen

Tara: It's just that I think.. I know... there is no Tooth Fairy. It's you...isn't it?

Me: Hmmm..

(Long pause)

Tara (voice trailing): Anyway...even if she is real...and I don't believe anymore...I won't get a pound coin...

(Longer Pause)

Tara: Mummy..?

Me: Yes?

Tara: I'm not saying this..I'm not even thinking it, but people say..HE is not real either..

Me (Heart breaking silently): Who?

Tara (whispering): I won't say HIS name in case the elves are hiding about. I'm not sure...but I will believe....just in case HE forgets me this Christmas..

Me: Okay darling..

Why? Why must they grow up? I wonder why the cynical few blow it for the innocent believers..


Saturday, 6 December 2014

Car Insurance Renewal


I renewed my car insurance myself! It may be a routine job for most, but I was swimming around make and model of car, Year purchased, no claims discounts, and types of alarms, types of insurance etc. for ages before I finally sorted things out...and saved money :-)

Baby steps...and I'm getting to know my car better.

Next step, check tyre pressure in a  few weeks. Im nervous already but will find a quiet time of day and go for it.

Tyre change-Part 2

After I had the flat tyre replaced last Monday by the mobile tyre fitter, he noticed that another tyre was in bad shape and recommended it be changed as soon as possible. He didn't carry spare tyres so asked me to pop into their garage around the corner.

Continuing on from my previous post, other than filling the fuel tank I know nothing about my car. The Husband sorts out the MOT and service when I remind him to. I don't even know where to go to get those done. He even does the car tax renewal. We had agreed many years ago, that I would handle all household affairs except the car because it was not my area of expertise. A mental block perhaps, but inspite of many requests to The Husband for some basic knowledge,  he's never found the time nor inclination to educate me on any elements of car ownership.

I think after multiple requests over the last few years he's taken my car maybe once to get tyre pressure checked. Now this is the same car that is carrying his only child everyday.

Back to the tyre fitting. I spoke to The Husband and explained the urgency of getting the other tyre replaced. That was many days ago. He did nothing. The tyre place is just five minutes away from where we live.

I finally gave up and called out the mobile tyre fitting man to replace my tyre at home today. Yes its more money than I would have paid at the garage, and yes, shame on me for being unable to do it myself. But at this point of time it was the best I could come up with.

I was furious and simmering in silence. Now let me see, I must get those hormones checked mustn't I? 

Feeling valued

I think feeling valued is very important for a human being. Im not talking about putting someone on a pedestal or worshipping them...not even praising someone....just valuing another person by expressing basic concern, care and keeping the trust.

I made a bad decision yesterday. I called my sister to share my feelings. I usually deal with my moods and problems myself. It is not something I would advise or recommend, but if there are not many options around you deal with things the best way possible. If things reach a boiling point, I come here on my blog and just talk..still a bit guarded...but I talk. No one visits, so no one judges.

Going back a few weeks, having been to my GP about my rage and low mood phases, I had received a possible diagnosis of some form of PMS or PMDD. I had mixed feelings. One part of me wasn't convinced that it was my hormones. Another part of me was relieved that it wasn't my fault that I was being a horrible person...I could blame my hormones...even though they are...well... actually "me." I would at this point like to declare myself to be a very compassionate and unselfish person. Behaving in the opposite fashion to my dear ones causes me the greatest amount of pain.

So after my GP figured I might have these conditions, (based purely on a chat and no other tests..hmmmm) I called my sister and told her. In many more words her basic reaction was that, I was always in denial, and it was about time I saw a doctor. She added that I owed it to my long suffering Husband and little daughter to do whatever it takes to sort myself out. She continued that I should explore every option and not rule out anything because it wasn't fair on my family.

I heard her, and waited for any words that would show concern towards me, and how I felt. No, she went on about how I was impacting everyone else in my family and they didn't deserve it. Me? Nothing..I just need to pull myself together for everyone else.

Later that day I made my second major mistake. I spoke to The Husband about my doctor's visit. Im not sure why I did. I figured firstly, that's what loving people do. Secondly, after I spoke to my sister, I was craving some concern towards me. After I told The Husband, he said this:

" I did notice you go a bit out of control at the end of every month. Oh no..that's when our Disney holiday is booked for!"

If there was any unbroken piece of my heart, it broke right there.

I slunk away and retreated into my bad mood expressed as silence.

I will be getting those blood tests to check my hormones,  but something tells me its not the hormones....time will tell.

Monday, 1 December 2014

Car trouble, and why all women should be up to speed with their vehicles

I've never had car trouble before. I never knew that car trouble could make me burst into tears. Come to think of it, I'm probably so spectacularly ill equipped to deal with life's small nuisances that I fall apart at the smallest thing.

It is a possibility that my reactions are connected to my wild moods which seem to have surfaced over the last few years. My GP has hinted that I might have PMDD. This is like PMS, except that it is like PMS on steroids...basically a hundred times worse....and no cure in sight. PMDD is like an out of body experience where you are a shocked audience to your horrendous rage and disproportionate reactions to life's little situations. You know you're doing it, but can't do anything about it. More about that another day.

Back to my car trouble, the reason I burst into tears is the "could have been really bad" scenario the tyre fixer painted for me. I carry my most precious cargo - Tara. If something "really bad" happened to her in my car, I don't know how I would deal with that.

It's also worth pointing out that if I do burst into tears, it is ALWAYS after the problem has been solved or crisis averted. I NEVER break down in the midst of troubled times. In fact I would say, I am the best person to have around in choppy waters. I go into warrior-mode, and all manner of solutions arise from my clear mind. Once the moment passes and things are set right, I sit down...and I burst into tears. Like today.

So what happened exactly?

On Thursday afternoon after the school run, as I reversed the car into my drive, and went inside with Tara, all was well. That night, when the Husband got back from work, he noticed that my rear tyre was in shreds and the car was sitting uncomfortably on one side. I wondered when that happened, and why I didn't feel anything driving back.

The Husband was going out again, too busy with one thing or the other and said he would look into it later. It was almost 5:00 pm, and I wanted a solution before everything shut for the weekend. Since The Husband wasn't enthusiastic enough to find a solution,  I went on my computer to try and find one. I was also  wondering how one solves this problem, especially since the car was not drivable to the nearest tyre centre.

In my world, I just drive the car. The only other thing I do that is car related is fill up the fuel tank. I assumed, wrongly as I learnt, that the MOT and annual service would pick on everything else. I am ashamed to say I don't know how to check tyre pressure or how often it is to be checked or how to actually change a tyre. (I didn't even know that a spare tyre and the tyre changing paraphernalia lay at the bottom of the car boot, until the tyre fixer showed me).

I finally found a mobile tyre fitting service but they couldn't get to me until Monday. I hastily booked a taxi for Tara's school drop off and pick up on Friday. They had limited slots available as it was rush hour. I took what they gave me, which meant I had to wait outside school for longer than I would have liked, and then rush Tara out of school barely spending half an hour at her after school Xmas fair. I had no choice, I had to get home. The bus was not an option since Tara suffers extreme motion sickness in planes, trains, boats and buses. She can just about keep it together in a taxi. The weather wasn't conducive to walking either.

The weekend was quiet. Then I had to book a taxi for Monday morning drop off too.

Luckily the tyre man came home and sorted things out. He had a talk with me (at my request) and patiently explained what I need to know about tyres. More on that in my next post.

I now firmly believe that everyone - men and women- need to do more than just drive their cars. I also need to replace another tyre which didn't look very healthy. I will get that done as soon as the tyre centre can fit me in.

Its not a good month to be spending money on the car rather than family presents. But the best present I can give Tara is a healthy Mummy driving a safe car.

Happy December everyone. Do look after yourselves and the tonnes of metal you trust everyday.