Monday, 30 January 2012

The Husband's going away... to work

So The Husband has one more week at home before he goes away to another city to work. It will soon be Tara and I. Even though The Husband works long hours and rarely makes it in time to tuck Tara in, at least we know he's home. This feels different. A bit scary I might add.

Its only for 6 months at the moment, but if he gets a permanent position we will move up to be with him. A bit scary...again. But do-able.

Times are tough and I really am grateful he has a job at the moment. So Tara has to manage without Papa for a while.

The only thing permanent in life is Change. I'm trying to be philosophical because I don't know how to find stability in this situation. I'm the sort of person who likes to have everything down to a T. Not knowing doesn't rest well with me.

A few months will give us a clearer picture. We have discussed it and come to a conclusion. Anything for Tara, and we mean it.

Love you my pickle!

Friday, 27 January 2012

Can't stand the sound of my voice!

So I shouted at Tara this morning. The level of shouting was not in proportion to the deed, which was dressing a bit slower than usual. When I feel the 'shouts' coming on, my level of anger rises alongside an inner voice that immediately tells me to watch out if my level of shouting and target (Tara) are justified. Most days my self correction mechanism works and I stop myself before the 'shouts' come out. Some days however, this mechanism falters. Like this morning.

I remembered a conversation with my Mum when I visited her over the holidays. My mother was telling me off when I reprimanded her precious grand daughter Tara for playing with her food. As a knee jerk reaction I replied to my mother how soon she forgot not only the shouting but also the occasional beating we got as children. Not that it did me any harm physically or emotionally. As a matter of fact I deserved it.

 I will never forget my mother's words. 'I hit you children because I was frustrated.'

I never looked at it that way. My siblings and I were very difficult children and I genuinely believe for the kind of things we did, an occasional wallop was essential. From my mother's point of view, she always carried enormous guilt when she laid her hands on us.

Tara is a wonderful child, who never has done anything remotely similar to me when I was a child. I personally don't believe in beating my child. How much of that is because of how she is? What if she was a monster kid who wasn't reasonable? How would I react then? I have friends who occasionally spank their kids and I have no issues with that.

I love and admire my mother tremendously and I feel for her. I feel the guilt she felt when I raise my voice, sometimes disproportionately, at Tara. I have my own frustrations with some aspects of my life, but these are no where near what my mother went through.  I would hate to think that I was venting my frustration on Tara.

So for now I must control the 'shouts'. Seriously, I can't stand the sound of my voice when these happen. It sets Tara right most of the time and she doesn't even remember them at the end of the day.  But I feel the guilt and its lingers in my chest till I see her smiling at the end of the day and we fall into a giant messy hug all over the floor.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Triumph at last!

So week 2 at Tara's school has been uneventful, from my point of you. Except last Friday when she couldn't cut a piece of food at lunch time and was told its rude to use her hands. That brought on a few tears at home but I nipped it in the bud saying it was no big deal and we could practice cutting that weekend. And we did. Thankfully meals are not repeated so often and by the time it comes around again we may well be prepared.

Tara came back delighted from school yesterday. The Husband and I were made to sit down while she told us what happened amidst deep breaths of excitement. Apparently 'a Miss' at school told Tara to eat up at lunch time even after she was full.  Tara described how she just scraped her plate and walked off! She danced around the room in excitement at what she perceived at standing up for herself and perhaps a bit of rebellion. It was funny seeing her rejoice at her triumph over her tears and fears, and heart warming at the same time to see a child take one step forward in building their self confidence.

We all cheered and high fived the event and Tara was pleased as punch.

The one thing different this week has been that The Husband who has a week off has been accompanying us to school for drop off and pick up time, and Tara seems to like that very much. Its of course not going to happen regularly, but sometimes a few small things go a long way in building a child's confidence. She saw her Mummy and Papa, her own 'Team', walk into school with her, and her chin was just that bit higher.

My little 4 year old will soon be 4 and a half in a week. She can't wait!

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Its about timing

So we keep planning for our future. Yet we forget that the present is slipping through our fingers. How often have you heard someone say, "One day I will give you everything you want." Why can't the person making this declaration realize that when they get to that magical 'one day', the recipient may have moved on and not want any of it. Who wins then? No one.

If someone craves their partners' time today, they may not be around at some distant future when the partner finds the time to give. If a child craves their parents' time today, they may grow out of that need when the parent feels they have the time to give.

So it is all about timing, finding the time, and giving that time to loved ones. You can make all the money, win all the awards, but it amounts to a great big zero if you are alone and have no one to share it with. So take your loved ones with you in the race of life. Crossing the finishing line together is way better than finding yourself alone at the winning post while everyone that means something to you gets left too far behind to ever catch up.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Doesn't matter where you are, its what you feel inside that matters

So I put a theory to the test and came to a conclusion. If there is something in your life that is disturbing you and keeping you unsettled then unless you resolve that matter in itself, you'll still be disturbed and unsettled, even if you are on a luxury island somewhere, or in a tropical paradise or at the best place you can dream of.

I've just come back from a lovely part of the world, and whilst I went fully expecting to set aside my worries while I was there, I couldn't. It's like brushing an issue under the carpet and expecting it to disappear the next time you clean under your carpet...It won't happen.

Sometimes I slip into my dream world, where I imagine myself in white linen clothes, peacefully resting in a mountain retreat with nature all around me. Im sure if I suddenly did get there I will be far from blissful. Too many issues needing resolution. Escapism is at best a fantasy.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Its called Sambucol

In my tireless pursuit of finding a magic potion to ward off all illnesses, I have started Tara up on 2 spoons of Elderberry tonic, called Sambucol. Its been highly recommended and Tara has started on it 2 days ago. The idea is to keep her immune system up and running as there are a lot of evil winter bugs are all over the place.

So far, we drink the red looking liquid and follow it up with a battle cry of, "SAMBUCOL" in deep warrior voices. That apparently scares the bugs away according to Tara, and I quite enjoy infusing some fierceness into my wouldn't-hurt-a-fly child.

Snap out of it woman!!

So I said to myself, snap out of it ! and I did! Immediately. How did that happen? Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, as my Tara would say.

The last two days have been school days. Tara has been going to school properly, and coming back properly. No sign of ear infections, colds, coughs, worry, terror, ifs and buts as far as the eye can see. I feel like I'm in one of those delicious dreams where the unattainable object of your desire is approaching you to nibble on your neck...and pull you into his/her passionate embrace...when you suddenly wake up and its your other half asking you if the shirt is ready...

Im still in part one of that dream, where everything feels wonderful and light, and my little one has been trotting to school and back and there is peace in my world. I've had enough of those dreams to know that part two is just around the corner and I will wake up to a new crisis in my angel's life at school.

But till then, I'll try and enjoy what seems to be a normal life.

Aaah bliss. The true joys of life are really simple...

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Feeling blue

Im feeling blue...low...sad? I shouted at Tara this morning and I felt lower if that's possible.

Post vacation hangover, lack of sunshine, being away from reality..all of these..

Need to pull myself together.

Feeling disoriented, direction less...jet lag maybe?

Really need to get a grip and get on with things

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Back on solid ground

So it took us 11 hours to get back home. We had a surprise in store at the airport when we got upgraded and had what Tara called room chairs that became beds. Heaven!

Now back on terra firm, and I have a stinking headache that won't shift. Decided to stay with family for a day or two to get over the jet lag and then its back to business as usual from Monday. I have spoken to Tara about school and after a rocky, tearful few days of not wanting to go back to school, she seems resolved. Of course Tara's beloved 6 year old cousin who often says, I hate school doesn't help my cause.

Ont thing I must say is that while we were away, Tara was healthy and well all through with no sign of a cold or cough or earache in sight. It must be the sun. Thats the only thing different.

Her ears were perfectly okay throughout the flight except while landing on the way back, when she complained of discomfort. I swiftly pulled out a lollipop for her to suck on , and that resolved any pressure issues in a minute. I would strongly recommend hard lollipops that last for ages to all mums travelling with children. It relieves the pressure problems and the kids keep quiet for a good 20-30 minutes depending on how long they make it last!

Must go for a nice hot shower now. Running water is a real luxury you know!

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Homeward bound

So we are going back today. I'm almost looking forward to home comforts, and the familiarity of my own bed and pillows. Tara meanwhile is in mourning, saying bye bye to anything living or not, including ponds, bugs, stones etc. she has also declared on all our behalf that we will be back soon.

So goodbye sweet land, see you soon. I have a million pictures that I will no doubt look at a million times.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Seven days to go

So the vacation is coming to an end and we return home in a week's time. Made the huge mistake of telling Tara that today. Was it a mistake? I'm in two minds. On the one hand I should have let it go a few days more to tell her that good times here were finished. On the other hand it might have been a shock had I sprung it on her. Either ways I never win in things like this.

Bedtime began with our usual routine. Silence. Then a small , very familiar, trembling voice said, "Mummy, I dont want to go back to school....ever.." I knew that whatever I said would be wrong, so I asked her to go to sleep and we will talk later. No good. The tears began, and that familiar sick feeling crept through my heart.

My vacation finished as soon as that feeling came into my chest. I hope Tara forgets everything tomorrow and I can live in my make believe la-la land that everything was fine... for a bit longer.

Why can't Tara just look forward to going to school like all those other mums kids who apparently are chomping at the bit to get back to school? Why cant I just relax and not feel so utterly devastated when my child is afraid? Why cant I live this lovely vacation with my little Tara forever?

I know the answers to all these questions. But I still don't feel much better. I hope I can just sleep well tonight. I dont want to go back home just yet