Tuesday, 5 January 2016

All gone wrong

If I look back at everything Ive written, the one common thread is my pure, undiluted and total love for Tara.

As of today, it all seems to have gone wrong. It may be down to post festive gloom, or the complete taking for granted and disregard that finally snapped the fragile thread holding me together. Taking for granted works as long as there is dizzy, fuzzy love being shown alongside.

Tara and I are so very disconnected these days. Its been a series of small changes. Her growing up and needing to be independent vs my letting go but welling up with feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Tara's small gestures, (sometimes lack of any gestures), digging her heels in and not telling me things and the bane of my life..the words, "nothing"..."forget it"..."never mind".

All this is what I perceive at my end. The issue is clearly with me. She is still a lovely girl, full of life, enthusiastic and only eight years old.

The trigger to all our (my) meltdowns is when we sit down to do her school work. I talk, she rolls her eyes. I try to teach a topic, and if she doesn't understand, will not admit it. I then perceive it as bad attitude and its all tears and downhill from there.This spills over to after school work and pollutes the entire home environment. I go silent.... now, so does she. I simmer...she gets confused whether to approach me or not...Its a downward spiral not helped at all by The Husband, who is the beneficiary of our fall out. He takes her under his wing and does everything with/for her, cutting me out of the picture completely. He has no clue how to, or no interest whatsoever in attempting to break the ice between Tara and I.

Now I get furious at being cut out, and that leads to an even worse situation, with The Husband and Tara now a team and looking at me like I am the crazy one.

Maybe I am....but I have no clue what to do about it :-(