Saturday, 13 February 2016

How does it feel?

Ive been left to my own devices, simmering silently as The Husband and Tara get on with life without me. I was under the impression that parents work as a team. If one is being disrespected by the child, the other joins ranks and restores order. ..or at least keeps trying to do so.

A few days ago I stopped simmering. I did my duties, and rationalised that if a life without love was meant to be, so be it. I had to do anything to get out of this spiral of confusion and heartache...almost like a survival instinct. I have been under so much of emotional pressure that I felt a heart attack was imminent.

The Husband and Tara trotted off to their tennis lesson. I got busy around the house. When they came back, there was silence. The Husband flung the gym bag noisily, banged the fridge door, and slammed the door shut behind him as he went for a shower. The usual Saturday routine was that he and Tara had lunch together, chatting and talking. Silence from Tara, but she flitted about as usual. I sensed something was not right so asked Tara if she was going up for a shower or was having lunch. "Lunch please! " she trilled.

I called her aside and asked if something happened with her father. She said sh'd rather not say and wandered off. I called her back and said it wasn't an option, and she had to tell me what happened. Her face contorted and she burst into tears. It always frightens me when  Tara cries..because she never does. She mumbled on about some conversation she had with her father, after which he laughed aloud and wouldn't let her in on the joke. In response she turned around and called him "Stupid". That was it, he was furious and hasn't spoken to her since.

This is my lot. I had to reluctantly step in, serve Tara her lunch and suddenly get back to doing all her tasks that were being done by The Husband after sidelining me. Now he wouldn't emerge from his room.

A part of me wanted to laugh..another part of me sniggered inwardly. I was ashamed at my feelings and how I enjoyed feeling them! Maybe I should go up to him and repeat his sage advice, "She's only eight years old...she doesn't realize what she says...she's just a child....give her a break" and so on...Instead I went about my daily work, and Tara hers.

I should have followed my own advice and taken Tara aside, explained how disrespectful she had been, sent her to her father to apologise and restore order. But to my own horror..I did none of that today. I did what The Husband had done. I served her lunch...with extra crisps...and put on a movie for her.

Dinner time was frosty, as the hungry man emerged for his meal. Tara seemed unconcerned. She tends to launch into conversation as if nothing has happened or been happening for the last few weeks. After The Husband retreated to his room, I asked Tara if she knew what remorse was. She actually rolled her eyes and said that it meant one had to be upset and think about what they did. I told her that if one had apologised, and meant it from the heart, then one must quietly think about their actions and resolve not to repeat it. Chatting as if nothing had happened would further annoy the person who had just forgiven you.

I gathered every ounce of strength and gave Tara a hug. I asked her to think about her recent behaviour and sort herself out. She looked at me briefly and said she will try...and sauntered off to read, while she waited for her tv programme to begin.

Gobsmacked. I think I finally understand what that word really means.

Monday, 1 February 2016

February already..

I've heard that time flies when you're having fun. January has flown by, but if there's one thing its not been..its fun.

On the contrary, its been agonising emotional pain, abandonment and confusing circumstances that still have me wondering : what happened?

I flit between crying in my bed,  trying to think about what happened and why? No success. The one catalyst to all of this is The Husband. He is a spectator/beneficiary to Tara and my breakdown. His defence is that I must tell him what to do..and he will do it. 16 years Ive been asking/telling/begging him to do things which he doesn't...and in this instance, where my only reason for asking for his co-operation is Tara, he shrinks back.

"When Im with you..Im standing with an army." I love these lyrics from a new song..and I often wonder what it feels like to have someone support you in that way.

Ive always been a ponderer, since I was a little girl. I would sit under large bushes in warm afternoons and ponder. I don't remember what I was thinking of, but do remember being one with the soil, the insects and the leafy cover overhead. I have never played the victim, choosing instead to be the warrior, and showing (myself mostly) how to rise above circumstances and move on. In all those years I never blamed myself. The circumstance with Tara, and where I stand today-isolated and alone,  has for the first time made me question if I am singularly responsible for my lot.

Over the years I have drifted away from my friends, my parents, my siblings, The Husband and finally the centre of my being-Tara. I can give reasons for each dead or dying relationship-valid in my opinion, but if the net result is me being alone, they can't all be wrong. It must be me...