Sometimes when we seem stuck in a pool of misery, self doubt, lack of confidence and general hopelessness, it takes something (big or small) to jolt us back to our senses and give us perspective.
Case in point my visit to the dentist a few weeks ago, that triggered a tsunami of emotions which led to a downward spiral and landed me in a crumpled heap. That was a check up which led the dentist to suspect more ominous goings on after an X-ray. Today's appointment was a follow up to those test results. My head started aching when I woke up this morning and my heart, heavy with the anticipation of bad news.
As soon as I walked into the dentist's office, my eyes welled up even as she asked me to sit down. The Husband had taken time off to accompany me and was well aware of how I was feeling. After a nerve wracking few minutes of poking and prodding my mouth the dentist said there was nothing apparent on examination and we would wait another year to see if there are any changes to my X-ray. I didn't understand if I should be happy that nothing was wrong, or be further stressed that she wanted a follow up X-ray after one year. One whole year??!! What am I supposed to believe in the mean time? That I am fine or a ticking time bomb??
I burst into tears right there and apologized profusely for I don't know what. I couldn't even understand if my tears were of relief, or a further breakdown. The Husband led me out and hugged me silently. He took me home, got me a cup of tea and we sat down. He had to go back to work and was worried for me. After a few minutes I asked him what happened back there. He said there was nothing wrong. If there was, we wouldn't be called back after one year. But he added he was sorry that I was so anxious and it didn't matter if I wanted to cry. So I did.
By this time my dull headache had turned into a massive pounding that wouldn't subside even with two paracetamols. The Husband suggested I might be dehydrated and should drink water and try to relax. I couldn't do either and my head continues to pound as I type this.
The Husband has gone back to work, and I felt for him having to drive to the other side of the country with no sign of a permanent job contract. Tara has caught a cold, and is feeling under the weather. I have to go to London on Thursday for the passport renewal, and Saturday is Tara's party.
Quietly, realization dawned that nothing was wrong with me in this moment in time. I shuddered when I thought what would have happened if something was found which could have changed all my apprehensions to a living nightmare. I fell on my knees and cried my heart out, this time with gratitude. It felt like some kind of a second chance. I could not waste it on negative and horrifying thoughts. If mere thoughts of terrible things which did not exist had turned me into such an unhappy person, why couldn't the thoughts of good times make me happy again ?
I am essentially a peace loving and content soul. How did I lose my way? How did I create this hell, when all around me were ingredients of heaven?
Time to reflect, regroup and not be too harsh on myself.