Thursday, 9 October 2014

The aftermath

I am spent.... I am emotionally exhausted and just a tiny bit fragile.

Yesterday, life's little annoyances accumulated and resulted in one massive outburst from me, that scared Tara, bewildered The Husband, and left my inner self agape with shock as I witnessed the outer me lose my rag so spectacularly. I also became aware, for the first time, a rising heat and tightness in my body, that seemed to increase with the volume of my voice. Had I just narrowly escaped a heart attack?

I was a bit numb when I went to pick Tara from school. As I waited in the car, randomly browsing the internet, I happened to read an article from a mum who gave up shouting for one year. Her experience was life changing for her. It was as if in that one moment I was sent a message. I saw Tara walking towards me so I saved the article on my phone to read later

Tara was quiet. She probably sensed something was wrong with me. It was her tennis lesson today. I wanted to skip it because I was very uncomfortable inside.All I wanted to do was crawl under my sheets. At home, Tara dressed herself up for tennis and looked up at me,  holding her tennis racquet against her chest. I picked up the car keys and silently drove her to her lesson. I usually attempt a gentle gym session whenever Tara has tennis. Today I just sat outside the tennis court, feeling the weight of a grey silence that had descended on me. Another child's mum came and sat next to me. I was not in the mood for any conversation but managed a weak smile. Suddenly her floodgates opened and she spoke about her outburst with her little boy, her feelings and frustrations at home. I reached out to her and we spoke for an hour till the lesson was done. We each went home. I didn't feel any better. Something had shifted inside.

Later after a quiet dinner, and with Tara tucked in bed, I finished what I had to do and slept like a baby. I still hadn't read the article I had saved, but just before drifting off I made up my mind not to shout for the next one year...

Today is Day 1. So far so shouts but the numbness remains.

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