Saturday, 6 December 2014

Feeling valued

I think feeling valued is very important for a human being. Im not talking about putting someone on a pedestal or worshipping them...not even praising someone....just valuing another person by expressing basic concern, care and keeping the trust.

I made a bad decision yesterday. I called my sister to share my feelings. I usually deal with my moods and problems myself. It is not something I would advise or recommend, but if there are not many options around you deal with things the best way possible. If things reach a boiling point, I come here on my blog and just talk..still a bit guarded...but I talk. No one visits, so no one judges.

Going back a few weeks, having been to my GP about my rage and low mood phases, I had received a possible diagnosis of some form of PMS or PMDD. I had mixed feelings. One part of me wasn't convinced that it was my hormones. Another part of me was relieved that it wasn't my fault that I was being a horrible person...I could blame my hormones...even though they are...well... actually "me." I would at this point like to declare myself to be a very compassionate and unselfish person. Behaving in the opposite fashion to my dear ones causes me the greatest amount of pain.

So after my GP figured I might have these conditions, (based purely on a chat and no other tests..hmmmm) I called my sister and told her. In many more words her basic reaction was that, I was always in denial, and it was about time I saw a doctor. She added that I owed it to my long suffering Husband and little daughter to do whatever it takes to sort myself out. She continued that I should explore every option and not rule out anything because it wasn't fair on my family.

I heard her, and waited for any words that would show concern towards me, and how I felt. No, she went on about how I was impacting everyone else in my family and they didn't deserve it. Me? Nothing..I just need to pull myself together for everyone else.

Later that day I made my second major mistake. I spoke to The Husband about my doctor's visit. Im not sure why I did. I figured firstly, that's what loving people do. Secondly, after I spoke to my sister, I was craving some concern towards me. After I told The Husband, he said this:

" I did notice you go a bit out of control at the end of every month. Oh no..that's when our Disney holiday is booked for!"

If there was any unbroken piece of my heart, it broke right there.

I slunk away and retreated into my bad mood expressed as silence.

I will be getting those blood tests to check my hormones,  but something tells me its not the hormones....time will tell.

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