Oh, Happy Day!

So half term is finished. I'm not sure whether to be happy that I will have Tara off my hands, or sad that she'll be gone for the whole day again. It was wall to wall sickness, and she is still a bit run down, but the doctor said she's okay to go to school so here I am at the school gate.

I am nervous taking Tara to school, after the week gone past. It was a difficult week full of sickness and bad moods. I hoped she would go into school without crying or clinging to me.

When I walked in, I saw two little children clinging to their mums looking weepy and ready to cry. As my nervousness rose, I glanced at Tara who seemed okay. Suddenly she spotted her favourite teacher. I leaned over and whispered in Tara's ear, 'Why don't you go and scare Miss, its Halloween after all.'

A smile appeared on Tara's face and for the first time she let go of my hand, went over to her Miss and after a gentle 'boo', she was holding hands with her teacher and laughing as she got into line ready to go to into the classroom.

I was so happy and relaxed as I walked back to the car. I wish I could have this feeling everyday...

Silent song

I believe every woman's life is set to music and song. Not music and song as in a specific instrument or words of a composition, but song and music as in a kind of feeling. The song is sad when she is sad, and full of joy when she is happy. Women live their lives full of these songs, making them highly emotional beings.

The saddest woman is not one who has a sad song playing in her life. A sad woman is one who has had the music and song silenced. Every day goes past, whether happy or sad, in a sequence. The over riding emotion is numbness.

Songs are killed by life events so profound that they silences everything. Its different for different people. Causes can range from heart break to bereavement, but the effects are devastating. It might be the same for men, but I speak from a woman's point of view. I get it and I'm sure other women will understand what I'm talking about too.

That silenced song can be deafeningly painful.

Half term, half crazy

So its half term and school is out for a week. Im already half crazy thinking of ideas to entertain a four year old with a chest infection, who doesn't want to watch television, and the weather is non stop rain for the last 48 hours.

This television idea coming from me is priceless hypocrisy. Before I had Tara, I was of the firm opinion that a parent must be more involved in their children's activities and television was something to look down upon as a short cut.... an easy tool for lazy parents.

Oh my good Lord...a million apologies to all the parents in the world. Television is a dear friend who provides pockets of relief through the day. It is a baby sitter when nature calls and your child is old enough to say disgusting things while you attempt to relieve yourself under tremendous pressure.. no pun intended !

Back to half term, Tara doesn't want to have anything to do with:

Play dolls
Dolls houses
Any form of art/colouring/painting/cutting etc
Play dough
Television or computer games
Musical instruments
Puzzles
Soft toys

Basically anything in the house that's already been played with.

So she's in a bad mood...Im feeling cornered...I can't wait for her bedtime which is still some way away.. and I will sit down to numb my brain with television. It is a great invention..really

Tomorrow is another day..Im so worried..I hope the sun is out at least. The weather report says no it won't. School opens on Monday.  I will miss her then...You just can't win

So tired!

In life there are many moments when I say, 'this is it...I cannot be more tired than this.." Then something else comes along and tests the boundaries of tiredness.

I was prepared to entertain Tara through the half term. That is a different kind of tiredness. But what I got on Saturday instead, was projectile vomiting, followed by a visit to the hospital emergency in the early hours of Sunday.

To cut a long story short, Tara is ill, and I am exhausted.

As usual, I must check myself. It's not about me alone. Poor Tara has her first holiday since she's started school and she is so ill that she's sleeping on any surface she can find,when not vomiting or blazing with fever.

Its only Tuesday, so I must soldier on and make my little one better...

Assessment

Today was Tara's assessment meeting with her class teacher. The Husband and I reported on time wearing smart clothes, ready to ask a lot of questions.

Tara's teacher thankfully gave us a good update on her progress and it really made me relieved and proud when I heard of all the things she did. I also saw her school work, and in the scrawls and bendy words, I saw the effort my precious little four year old was putting in so that her Mummy and Papa are proud of her. I also saw the section where children tell their teacher what they want to be when they grow up. My Tara said she wanted to be a dinosaur because she wanted to be bigger than everyone.

In those few words, I could see how daunting this new world must seem to a small child, barely four years out of her mother's protective womb. Not only does she have to do so many things to prove herself, but she has to fend for herself in a group of older children of varying personalities. Is this childhood? In today's competitive world, children are pushed harder and challenged way beyond their capabilities in an effort to stay ahead.

In that moment I decided Tara doesn't have to be a doctor or a lawyer if she doesn't want to. Today, all she has to be is a child, happy, safe and full of wonder at the world around her. She will learn essential life skills and  get appropriate qualifications in good time. When she grows up she will be prepared to deal with all the challenges, disappointments, joys and heartbreaks that life will throw at her. But for now, I just want her to be my child, my little star, Tara