The end of Christmas Holidays

I'm feeling a bit shaky today. It's the start of Tara's school term tomorrow, and I'm feeling terribly confused and emotionally muddled.

This year we had our first Christmas at home...just the three of us, and it was wonderful. The Husband had time off for Christmas, the tree was put up, the decorations went on, presents wrapped and Santa even ate the cookies Tara left for him the night before. The excitement, the squeals of joy, the tight hugs and the smiling content faces at the end of it all made it a wonderful day.

Tara's Christmas holidays started off with her being ill for almost ten days. Soon after she got better, I went down , for the third time in the last few months with a viral illness. Im much better now but still have a bit of a residual cough and sore throat. The Husband ended up looking after Tara and I over the last two weeks.

He went back to work today. Tara gulped down tears as she watched him drive away and said she hated it when her Papa left her. I immediately distracted her and we had a bit of fun playing on the computer.

I put Tara to bed, completed all the household chores and sat restlessly in front of the television, unable to settle on any channel. Nothing looked interesting. So I turned it off came back here, to my space, to "talk". Tomorrow is the first day of Tara's school. Back to daily routine. The house feels strange without The Husband. It will feel colder tomorrow without my little one.

Post Christmas blues? I don't think so. The idea of The Husband driving across the country, every weekend to be with us for one day and then leaving the next day for a cold, lonely drive back to his work is gut wrenching, especially when I see Tara. She's growing up now, and needs both her parents close to her.

Something will give...soon. 

Happy New Year

To my Dear Daughter,

As the clock ticks away, leaving behind 2012, and towards 2013, I imagine my little baby growing up to be six years old next year. Time does march on. I would be lying if I said it flies, because the passage of time, rather the perception of passage of time depends on the nature of events that transpire in our lives.

The happy times we had over the last few years were wonderful, warm and lived to the fullest. The sad ones linger, taking their time to leave us. We have lived through both, respecting each moment for what it is, and what it taught us.

The over riding feeling I have at this moment my dear "Pickles" is that I am in a state of deep gratitude for having you in my life. You bring freshness, and purpose to my life. You say things each day that remind me of what a blessing it is to have you enrich my journey on this planet.

Today you held my hands and said that you wanted my love with you for all your life. May you live many, many years more than me. But I promise to leave so much love for you that you will keep drawing on it and it will never finish. I will teach you to reach that special place where Mummy will be with you, forever.

Christmas was beautiful. This year I had no family around me except The Husband and you. And boy did we have a good time...We learnt how to make good a limited situation, and we did it with aplomb. Your words at the end of the day were, "So...when is the after Christmas party...?" That's the spirit ! We must find reasons to celebrate a day, any day..

Circumstances don't allow me to write, to document all your little words and experiences regularly. But not for long. This in itself is a life lesson. Things happen, we go off on a different track, but we return, as shall I.

I love you so much my dearest. Have a wonderful New Year 2013.

Nativity 2012

Tara came home two weeks ago and asked, "Mummy, do only blonde and beautiful people get to be angels?"

Just when I think I'm prepared for anything these days, Tara throws me a curve ball. Luckily I have also mastered the skill of quick recovery.

I said calmly no that's not true. Everybody can be angels. But there are many parts that children play in a Nativity show, and not everyone can be angels because then it wouldn't be a Nativity show. Tara smiled and said she was to be the Star that showed the way to baby Jesus. In fact she was a Superstar with sunglasses.

I joined in enthusiastically and we talked about her part and how much I was looking forward to seeing her in the 'starring' role. At the end of it all, Tara said, "Well I guess it's okay not being an angel. At least I'm not a sheep like Sean."

There we go, another life lesson for all of us. We can't all be angels but at least we aren't sheep! Spare a thought also for the poor little boy called Sean who was made a sheep. Sean the sheep..? get it?

There is life..

I look around my chaotic life and think to myself...hang in there, there is life ahead...

It's not anything worrying or traumatic, just a phase in my life where I find myself in too deep, yet managing to stay afloat..just about.

I miss this place, I miss writing here. At the end of another day, my body protests and brain goes into shutdown. Thoughts abound as my head touches my pillow. But I am weary and cannot type as the pain in my hands is excruciating these days.

Life is ticking along. Tara is happy at school, but coming up to the holidays is exhausted and touchy sometimes. The Husband is working hard, still away from home but doggedly driving down 8 hours every weekend just to spend one day with us. I am battling physical challenges, loneliness and my biggest enemy, my anger flare ups. Sometimes I think I need time and space, not real space, just some space in my brain to set myself in order. But I find none.

And so it goes...

Breathe...

It's been a while since I've written about Tara and our life. Time has flown past in a flurry of activity. There have been life changes, health issues and adjustments - just to get on with life.

I need air, and tonight I just breathe...breathe...breathe.

The blast of oxygen makes me dizzy. Isn't is funny how something as simple as breathing takes a backseat to everyday life?