My life before marriage was Phase One. Intensely difficult, physically and mentally, but there was Courage and Hope. I got back up and tried again
The last twenty years of marriage, and ongoing, are Phase Two. Free of physical danger, but still very difficult and lonely. I still got up and forged ahead. My Tara became my driving force.
God probably dragged me over Phase One, He then got busy elsewhere in Phase Two...Now I can't reach Him at all. I still join my hands everyday and say thank you; it could have been worse. But I've stopped talking to Him.
I want a Phase Three. I really do. Only this time my grief over estrangement with my Tara, has punched the air out of body, and I can't get up again. Im afraid I may need a mentor, a soft place to fall on, someone who can help me back on my feet and nudge me in the right direction. Maybe what I need is to be able to earn money again, so the fear of being hungry or homeless doesn't cloud my judgement, and allows me to live a life with dignity and self respect.
Maybe its okay to cut people out of my life. It's not because I don't love them anymore, it's because I want to preserve my self respect and human dignity.
I dream of falling into my Mum and Dad's arms, unburdening decades of tears and horror, while they just allow me to sleep in their arms-unquestioning and accepting.
I know it's all imaginary...but I feel beaten...tired...that's all I've got today and it will take me to tomorrow.
The last twenty years of marriage, and ongoing, are Phase Two. Free of physical danger, but still very difficult and lonely. I still got up and forged ahead. My Tara became my driving force.
God probably dragged me over Phase One, He then got busy elsewhere in Phase Two...Now I can't reach Him at all. I still join my hands everyday and say thank you; it could have been worse. But I've stopped talking to Him.
I want a Phase Three. I really do. Only this time my grief over estrangement with my Tara, has punched the air out of body, and I can't get up again. Im afraid I may need a mentor, a soft place to fall on, someone who can help me back on my feet and nudge me in the right direction. Maybe what I need is to be able to earn money again, so the fear of being hungry or homeless doesn't cloud my judgement, and allows me to live a life with dignity and self respect.
Maybe its okay to cut people out of my life. It's not because I don't love them anymore, it's because I want to preserve my self respect and human dignity.
I dream of falling into my Mum and Dad's arms, unburdening decades of tears and horror, while they just allow me to sleep in their arms-unquestioning and accepting.
I know it's all imaginary...but I feel beaten...tired...that's all I've got today and it will take me to tomorrow.
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