Be Strong !

What if being strong is not so much a character trait, but a survival instinct?

What if being strong is not an option?

What if you’re tired of being strong?

Whenever someone tells me, “You’re the strongest person I know…,” there is an instant reflex action to stop sharing what I was saying. It’s as if vulnerability should not be demonstrated, or that being strong disallows a person a comforting hug or a 'soft place' to fall on.

I’m going to practice not saying “you’re the strongest person I know” to another person who has given me the privilege of listening to their difficulties. There must be a reason a “strong” person is letting their guard down and talking to you. Does it make them less strong? Absolutely not. A “strong" person is as human as anyone else. It is dehumanising to block them, even if our intention is to be supportive.

Frozen Shoulder - Part 2

 I researched a lot of places to find out the cause of the Frozen Shoulder. There is no scientific reason that is conclusive. It's just one of those things. For something so excruciating, it is astonishing that so little is known.

A friend told me cynically that Frozen Shoulder is experienced more by women than men, so there is less funding for finding out more about the condition. Among all the cancers, she predicts, prostate cancer will be the first to have a breakthrough treatment, because it is a man’s disease. 

What we do know about Frozen shoulder is that usually :

More women get it than men

There may be a genetic component, i.e. it runs in the family

It is very rare to get it twice

It is also very rare to get it in both shoulders.

So with that knowledge I was navigating my life, keeping my eye out for a ray of hope as my left shoulder started improving. Then I woke up a few days later, with a twinge on my right shoulder. No way, i thought. Surely not.

I went sliding downhill rapidly after that. The Right shoulder was officially frozen. Hell was back and I have to once again figure out what I was going to do for the next few years. 

Living with anxiety

Spare a moment and ponder over this. Imagine you live your life every single day, with the same levels of anxiety you feel perched on the edge, ready for a bungee jump; or at the doorway of a plane,  several feet up in the air ready to tumble out for a sky dive.

Now imagine doing nothing like that, but feeling all those emotions when you wake up and remember, that after school you have to take your child for their weekly swimming lesson in the local gym - five minutes away.

Keep imagining feeling like that every morning before the school run, every afternoon after the school run, going to the corner shop to pick up some milk, picking up the phone to make/cancel a routine appointment, going unexpectedly to the library or a shop.

How exhausting to go through life feeling like that - and keep up appearances for your family, co-workers and the world in general.

Is it any wonder that so many people opt for numbing medication fully aware of the risks and side effects, because they cannot deal with life any other way? The only feeling directed at anxious people should be compassion and affection. At the risk of simplifying things, I will say that personally, it works better than anything else.

I go through life, with no medication. I am functional, and very “normal”. Ever since I was little, I tried to handle everything my life threw at me, and managed (a very debatable) reasonable life. What made this management possible was having someone with me. Family, friends, anyone loving and friendly, an arm around me, a warm hug, all made this anxiety temporarily subside. Today I have none of that support. So I struggle along. But I'm still saying no to medication. I don’t want to be numb, especially when I know that my anxiety can be disarmed when I have some support.

Today I have no support, so my options are :

Carry on
Take medication
Try and find some support

I ruled out option 2
I would love option 3
But option 1 is where I’m currently at

Frozen Shoulder - Progress

I think I see a glimmer on the horizon.

Over the past month or so, the pain in my arm and shoulder subsided to virtually nil! Over the past few weeks it sporadically flared up, oddly to the left, outside of the left shoulder, then switched suddenly to the right side of the left shoulder. Then I had family visiting me for 10 days during which time I was running around doing everything for them. (They are elderly, with mobility issues). I got a bit nervous when the shooting pains returned down the length of the arm and into the fore-arm. It’s the kind of pain that is deep, and you want to massage it with your thumb. (That does help, if you can do it without damaging your thumb in the process).

When the visitors left, I instinctively slowed down. The pain subsided again. It is now month four of year two. Another year and  half to go before I expect full recovery. Good progress in my opinion. I still do Tai chi and have noticed an element of flexibility and mobility. I am still guarded, but hopeful. The physiotherapist at the hospital discharged me, and I am a bit ashamed to say that I have stopped all exercises. Maybe because I’ve been tired with all the hard exercises I have done diligently, or that I'm mentally exhausted and just want to take some time off to reduce my anxiety levels before I start exercising again.

Hang in there all you Fellow Freezers! If I can survive this alone, Im sure you regular folk have some regular friends and family who are supporting you through this challenging time. If not, here’s a hug from me !

I am ME, inspite of everything.

I am a kind, loving and loyal person. What I've endured in life caused me deep pain, but didn't define me. I choose to acknowledge and honour my struggles; I can't change them, instead I credit them with being the fire that made gold pure.

I have an unfortunate memory-photographic and crystal clear. While it torments me every now and again, it shows me clearly what a human being isn't meant to be. The only baggage I carry is Anger. Not a crazy, illogical kind. It's got triggers. I've challenged it this year and so far I'm winning. Maybe because my grief has taken the place allocated to anger.