2023

 2023 has been one of the worst years of recent times.

It started with the exhaustion of a full blown covid recovery. This time it was the full 10 days of text book symptoms and thankfully no repeat of the long covid. 

In January came the news of my father’s blocked arteries and the next few months of terror as he went from one course of treatment to the next. My sister was with him from January shuttling between his treatments and her own home where her son was facing his A level exams, and her in-laws were facing their own failing health with the help of my brother in law.

Several scans and a failed attempt at inserting stents in my father’s heart , was followed by a new crisis of severe internal bleeding . It all culminated in open heart bypass surgery in April or May. My sister returned in June to deal with the chaos at her in-laws place. I promised to go to my father to help him get back on his feet as soon as Tara's GCSEs were done.

As my sister was helping her husband look after his parents, they had a series of bombshells in the way of her father in law having a heart operation, followed by a deadly diagnosis of mouth cancer. This was followed by dismal A level results for my nephew and the ultimate shock of a breast cancer diagnosis for my sister. She had a mastectomy a few weeks ago and we are hopeful that she got rid of the cancer. 

It continued with a month long viral illness for The Husband, Tara and I, and my new frozen right shoulder. We remain estranged but functional and I still feel unloved and alone. I made another plea to Tara to communicate with me and attempt to fix things but she’s not interested. I spoke to The Husband that he was wrong in allowing this to go on, but he walked away. They are a team. There are no meals eaten together, no bedtime, no control of mobile phone usage. More importantly, there is no conversation, no hugs, no shared plans of dreams. Just an awkward , quiet co-existence and the deafening shattering of my breaking heart that no one can hear.

I am fundamentally a tutor, driver, cook, cleaner, and do-er of all jobs who is also fundamentally unloveable. Years ago I was forced out of my parents home after resisting attempts of an arranged marriage since my late teens. Mind you, we were not raised to be self sufficient or independent. Quite the opposite. We were raised with clipped wings, with no teaching of life skills or how to deal with the outside world. Never allowed to go out or meet people unless it was with the family, nor allowed on public transport. I still get bewildered and panic using public transport. For the first few years, our very large family home was all I saw. Within those walls there was physical and mental abuse, and somehow the thought process that if I raised my voice it would be bad for my parents. I grew up with a very firm belief that I had to protect my parents, never the other way round. I don’t remember ever asking for anything. 

As I got older, I rebelled and got educated, was a national level sportsperson and started a promising corporate career. All the while tip-tying around really scary people,  operating within an atmosphere of terror and working with the invariable psychological damage over my formative years that presented itself with a multitude of fears and phobias. I was also oddly a very affectionate and eager to please child. 

I had (and still have) tremendous anxiety going outside alone, socialising, taking public transport alone, meeting people, trying to relax outside the home and a few more. But you would never know it! My own idea of therapy was to tuck all these under my belt and embark on the most people centric career there was. I was the top communicator, presenter and people’s person throughout my college and work life. No one knew the underlying terror and pain I experienced then, and still experience while being absolutely brilliant at what I did. (I have certificates and prizes to prove it!)

The one curious thing however was that I was totally relaxed and happy when I worked with other people-whether with one person or a group. It was as if just having one other person with me brought out the best in me, but took away the fear.

But it counted for nothing. Now labelled the disobedient one who caused nothing but sadness and stress to the family, I was constantly pressured to get married to a stranger, The Husband appeared gallantly and took me off their hands. He was my close friend and when I was with him, I felt safe and happy, and spoke to him about all my fears, my weaknesses and my life in general. We enjoyed meeting friends and just hanging out after I finished work. It changed overnight when we got married. He left me alone to get on with everything, from the littlest to the biggest aspects of life, I was alone and back to my constant fear. I never understood it and he never explained.

I think all predators can smell an injured animal. From the frying pan into the fire I went. Years later, I thought devoting myself to Tara and making sure she was happy, educated and free would be my purpose, but after the events of 2018 I understood that no matter what I do, if my Tara could reject me, I must be fundamentally unloveable. 

Once she’s on her feet and off to university, I will attempt to rebuild my life, go back to work, whether voluntary or paid. I want to immerse myself in service, while full aware that I am unloveable and will never expect it from anyone. 

Strange then for someone as unloveable as I to the humans I try to please,  all the neighbourhood dogs strain at their leads as they trip their owners over to cuddle up to me with pure love in their smiling eyes.