Tuesday, 17 May 2016

May 2016

I come back here, my space, when I feel every avenue is shut. Im drifting through good days.. and bad. Unable to answer the simple question-what is my purpose in life?

Things with Tara improved significantly. Whatever it was that happened to her straightened itself out, and she resumed being her loving, kind self. There is a guarded response from me, for a while. Until I surrender and decide to go with the flow. If this is what love is, I'll take it.

I had started the year on a good note. I actually went to the gym three times a week for 2 months. I fell off the wagon mid April, and am struggling to get back in there. Since then I have also fallen into into my sugar trap. Hitting rough waters emotionally I reach for my sugar fix. Having indulged to the hilt, I reached rock bottom yesterday, thank goodness. This morning Im off sugar completely. I woke up not craving it, and have sailed through today without a problem.

I had another falling out with Tara and The Husband again, and frankly I am sick of it. I have to hit rock bottom with that too, so I can push back up and breathe again. I think Im almost there. I thought about it all day and figured that it's not what I do for them that makes things hard, its the expectations attached to these actions that cause the problems. I have read about this in innumerable philosophical texts, but the penny dropped today. I may not be able to act on it right now, but I do get it. Hopefully that is the first step.

If I work hard on school work with Tara and teach her with total involvement and commitment, I must then not have expectations about her performance or future career options. I must do all I can to equip her, then take the heat off myself.

If I cook healthy food for my family, I must not expect them to wipe the plate clean and be grateful for it.

I must teach Tara the difference between right and wrong, and consequences of her actions, but must not lose my rag if she still chooses to do the wrong thing. I must not worry about Tara's choices and actions, but must be there when the pieces scatter and offer sanctuary and unconditional love.

Sounds impossible. It is hard being Mum, and it has nothing to do with endless laundry and cooking.

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