Monday, 1 February 2016

February already..

I've heard that time flies when you're having fun. January has flown by, but if there's one thing its not been..its fun.

On the contrary, its been agonising emotional pain, abandonment and confusing circumstances that still have me wondering : what happened?

I flit between crying in my bed,  trying to think about what happened and why? No success. The one catalyst to all of this is The Husband. He is a spectator/beneficiary to Tara and my breakdown. His defence is that I must tell him what to do..and he will do it. 16 years Ive been asking/telling/begging him to do things which he doesn't...and in this instance, where my only reason for asking for his co-operation is Tara, he shrinks back.

"When Im with you..Im standing with an army." I love these lyrics from a new song..and I often wonder what it feels like to have someone support you in that way.

Ive always been a ponderer, since I was a little girl. I would sit under large bushes in warm afternoons and ponder. I don't remember what I was thinking of, but do remember being one with the soil, the insects and the leafy cover overhead. I have never played the victim, choosing instead to be the warrior, and showing (myself mostly) how to rise above circumstances and move on. In all those years I never blamed myself. The circumstance with Tara, and where I stand today-isolated and alone,  has for the first time made me question if I am singularly responsible for my lot.

Over the years I have drifted away from my friends, my parents, my siblings, The Husband and finally the centre of my being-Tara. I can give reasons for each dead or dying relationship-valid in my opinion, but if the net result is me being alone, they can't all be wrong. It must be me...

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