And...it's Mummy the villain again!

It happened all through my growing years...and it's happening now in my home.

I'm disciplining Tara, and explaining how saying sorry doesn't necessarily fix a mistake. My lecture done, I sit her down and leave her to think about what I've said. Tara follows me to my computer saying sorry again. Once again I explain that I accept her apology but she needs to sit where I told her to and think about what I've just said. One minute later a loud wail shakes our walls. I pop downstairs to check on Tara and see her clinging to The Husband who is holding her in his arms and rocking her.

I looked at him in rage, he looked back at me with that most awful of expressions - innocent confusion.

I feel undermined.

I feel hurt, and

I'm the villain now.

My Mum went through years and years of trying to control her wild brood, while my father and grandparents and uncles and aunties all repeatedly undermined her authority. My father was my hero. He never shouted at me, always comforted me and hid my mistakes. He taught me gross things and habits that made us laugh out loud, and my mother cringe. I felt safe and comfortable with my father, and treated my mother like a fire breathing dragon.

I don't have to wonder how my mother felt, because now I know. Her situation was a hundred times worse than mine; as must be her anguish.

I'm upstairs now, while Tara and her Dad are playing downstairs. My blood pressure rocketed further when I heard The Husband explain to Tara that she had been bad so Mummy was upset. Did he just say she had been bad??? I always separate behaviour from the person. I always tell Tara she is a good girl but a particular action or behaviour was not good. I avoid negative labels like bad or stupid because they stay in a child's psyche. The Husband was unravelling all my efforts within a ten minute span!

I'm better off bashing my words on my keyboard now, because I'm so annoyed and confused that I can't deal with my feelings and how I am supposed to react to either Tara or her father at this point of time. If I can pull myself together sufficiently to get Tara's bedtime routine going, without causing serious damage to the two other people in this house, it would be a monumental achievement for me.

"Is it just me?????" I wonder how many times my mother said that to herself.

I love you Mummy, and I miss you so much today.