When a Mum falls apart...

I have written before about my strange circumstances. I'm on hold. It's been difficult not working and looking after Tara full time. Difficult financially, but tremendously rewarding on the personal front. The Husband is working away and trying very hard to secure a permanent post so we can all be together like a proper family. Finally after a meeting at work today, there was talk of something permanent coming up towards the end of this month. No promises but a "strong possibility."

I can't bear it! Which is so strange. The last year and a half I have been keeping myself together and keeping our little home held together with positivity and optimism. Many times I lulled my brain into a false sense of security, just to stay above board and keep things going, because when a Mum falls apart-the home falls apart.

The news of a possibility today should have reassured me. Instead I have a splitting headache and am losing the will to keep things together. Why was I able to cope for all those months, only to be on the verge of collapse so near the finishing post?

It's the Easter holidays. The Husband has some rare time off to spend with us till Tuesday. My logical brain is telling me to get a grip and enjoy it. But I don't feel that way. I need some alone time, which is not happening with Tara being around me all day, and me not giving in to the television or the computer.

I think I have finally decided what the toughest thing about being a Mum is. It is not having the luxury to fall apart at will. Not when you have a four and a half year old looking up at you with adoring eyes. Because as I said earlier, when a Mum falls apart - a home falls apart.

Having written all that down, I have recharged myself for another few hours till Tara is in bed. Then I have scheduled a controlled meltdown, obviously not spontaneous or ideal...but someone has to have a ear on the baby monitor.