So much money...so little house :-(

The good news is that after cutting our asking price again...and again...and still again, we accepted a lower than asking price offer on our little house.. SOLD!!!

The bad news is that the house and space we are looking for is so out of our budget it's not funny :-(

The Husband rejects houses without even looking inside them. The reality of what he wants and what we can afford is not sinking into his thought process yet, causing me confusion and annoyance, especially since we have to find a place to live in as soon as our house sale completes.

There is something to be said about us humans and dissatisfaction. No matter how much life gives us we find reasons to be dissatisfied. Instead of shuffling about a bit to be happy in a situation, we stretch outwards beyond what is reasonable and expect to find that elusive perfect situation/house/life.

I'm convinced that I can be happy anywhere if there is peace, love, respect and above all good health. It's a shame that I'm looked on by others as, "a new age odd ball trying to rediscover all things spiritual and nice"-  (not my words but someone else's.)

I am deeply grateful for my life, I am very aware of my shortcomings, and I want to use this precious life to get it right - whatever that "it" is.. Hmmm..maybe they do have a point about me being an odd ball - but that's okay. Right now I just need to find a place to live..

Tara is battling a cold-cough and ear infection but apart from a giant dollop of crankiness she seems to be coping well.

and life goes on....

Life Update

My dear darling daughter,

Its the school summer fair today and you just can't wait to play hook the duck. The simple joys of life through the eyes of a child.

So what has been happening?

1. Well your Papa got his job, so all live together now. We just can't get enough of him turning up home at the end of a day...or turning up at your tennis lesson...or just being around..

2. Your teeth are causing you pain. we finally have lost and replaced the two lower front ones. The top two are wobbling but very gently. The ones emerging at the back are very painful, causing tears at breakfast the last few days. I had to bring out Calpol.

3. Your days are good, but nights are tricky. There's been unexplained tears and night sweats...and the occasional bedwetting and nightmares. Is it the teeth? Or is there something else on your little mind?

4. Our house is up for sale...but no one is looking or seeming interested :-( Patience is the key with any property sale but your Papa is impatient and wants more space right now!

5. We are ALL off on a holiday in July...and then again in October!! Hurray...everything is booked, but not paid for yet. Not to worry we'll get there...so what if the credit card looks ready to blow up..We all deserve our excesses this year.

6. You my dear child are growing up so fast...6 years old in August. I won't say time has flown...or crawled. I'm satisfied with the pace.

I love you Pickles...Mummy is still fighting off the blues and taking it as it comes...

Have I lost my way Tara?

Dear Tara,

When I started writing this blog, my intention was to document all the little goings on in our lives. I wanted to record things that you said, or did for us to read and laugh or cry over years later.

But somewhere along the line, I think I lost my way. The last few months, life and its twists and turns got the better of me and I think I lost my way.

Its a slow and painful process - this getting back on track, but I can see a dim flicker in the horizon. The last few months my feelings, and emotions have travelled to great depths, almost bordering on despair. But like with most things, a bit of introspection, evaluating life and being grateful for small mercies works in the end.

I love you Tara.

p.s. Watching a quiz show where names of places are hidden in a picture displayed, the name "Bury" was shown as a dog burying a bone in a hole. You my dear Tara said, "I know! I know! It's DigDog!!"

I love you for making me smile :-) and everything else. Oh and thank you for eating lettuce today!!

Crying again.. but happy tears..

Okay..I just visited another Mum's blog, saw some remarkable pictures, and before I knew it had tears flowing down my face. Only this time I knew why I was crying.

1. The photographs were stunning

2. I long to be one with Nature...almost like a craving from deep within. Always have, as far back as I can remember. I am surrounded by daily life, it's trappings, a technology crazy family who have material desires and an absolute lack of any shape or form of Nature-craving.

3.I am genuinely happy for the proud achievements of a fellow Mum who has fought her own demons and battles - and emerged with a success she so deserves.

Well done you..

Now to some more crying..

Tell me if I need a doctor..if anyone reads this

I cried...a lot

I cried today...a lot.

Tears of relief that The Husband was coming back home.

Tears of confusion, as my defences struggled to come down.

Tears of gratitude, that Tara was finally settled. All the worry about changing schools again, meeting new people etc. etc. are now a thing of the past.

I feel weak, depleted and not quite sure of all this emotional turmoil. 

But I'm glad the uncertainty has passed and we can now move on to other challenges that life holds for us...together..in one house...like a proper family. Now if only I knew how to stop the tears on tap..

We did it !

I have been disoriented the last few weeks. What's new you might say.

It takes just a day to turn things around. The Husband has finally got his elusive permanent job. Yes, Tara's Papa will be coming home. I had been waiting for this news for years now. And when it came there was a range of emotions, but strangely there was no outpouring of joy and excitement. I must be crazy!

Instead, feelings range from disorientation, numbness, extreme exhaustion and other such strange feelings.

The Husband conveniently fell prey to a pretty strong bout of Man-flu the day he aced his interview and got the job. So celebrations were not to be. It was a relief because of everything I was feeling. Its been 5 days since this momentous event has turned our worlds around, and still I feel strange....out of synch. What on earth has happened?

Could one get so used to being on edge and in constant survival mode that when things change, one doesn't know how to change anymore?

A quick update on Tara. She is doing fine. Her reaction to her Papa getting his job was that she could stay in her school and can she now go to Disneyland? We had promised her this trip once we knew we were had a job and were going to be alright.

There is so much to do, trips to plan, houses to change, lives to settle...and most important for Mum (that would be me) to get her bearings back.

Well done Tara's Papa. You did good! 

The end of Christmas Holidays

I'm feeling a bit shaky today. It's the start of Tara's school term tomorrow, and I'm feeling terribly confused and emotionally muddled.

This year we had our first Christmas at home...just the three of us, and it was wonderful. The Husband had time off for Christmas, the tree was put up, the decorations went on, presents wrapped and Santa even ate the cookies Tara left for him the night before. The excitement, the squeals of joy, the tight hugs and the smiling content faces at the end of it all made it a wonderful day.

Tara's Christmas holidays started off with her being ill for almost ten days. Soon after she got better, I went down , for the third time in the last few months with a viral illness. Im much better now but still have a bit of a residual cough and sore throat. The Husband ended up looking after Tara and I over the last two weeks.

He went back to work today. Tara gulped down tears as she watched him drive away and said she hated it when her Papa left her. I immediately distracted her and we had a bit of fun playing on the computer.

I put Tara to bed, completed all the household chores and sat restlessly in front of the television, unable to settle on any channel. Nothing looked interesting. So I turned it off came back here, to my space, to "talk". Tomorrow is the first day of Tara's school. Back to daily routine. The house feels strange without The Husband. It will feel colder tomorrow without my little one.

Post Christmas blues? I don't think so. The idea of The Husband driving across the country, every weekend to be with us for one day and then leaving the next day for a cold, lonely drive back to his work is gut wrenching, especially when I see Tara. She's growing up now, and needs both her parents close to her.

Something will give...soon.